National Crisis

Just the Facts, mam

As all of you probably know, the endless war in Iran is no longer the dominant national news story. Rather, our leading national crisis is now the stolen 50,000 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. As you might expect, I have received numerous text/calls of inquiry or sympathy. Sadly, I have also received communications from a couple “friends” that seemed somewhat accusatory towards me. Be that as it may, I am dedicating this post to presenting all the facts of this PBR heist.

• On August 17, 2026, thieves used falsified paperwork to steal two separate truck loads of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer from an Anheuser-Busch distribution center in Montclair, CA.
• The trucks contained a total of about 50,000 cans of PBR or about 40,000 pounds or about a years supply at my house
• Beyond the emotional value, the wholesale value was in the ballpark of $70,000
• Beyond the PBR, there were also a few thousand cans of non-alcoholic Old Milwaukee…who
• cares…keep it.

How Can You Help?

Beyond prayers, I know everyone is asking “How can I help?” Well, the first thing worth mentioning is that the PBR CEO is offering an amnesty period. If the criminals turn themselves in within 18 days and 44 minutes of the crime (i.e. Sept 9)…then, all is forgiven. The timeframe is a shout out to the year 1844 when the brewery was founded. But, after that, Pabst will prosecute to the fullest extent of the law.

In addition to the amnesty period, the PBR CEO is also offering a $20,000 bounty for new information leading to beer truck recovery. If you have any information and want a shot at the bounty, send an email to Pabst at…

hotline@pabst.com

Suspects?

In an attempt to help with the investigation, I think we should brainstorm possible suspects that are NOT me. The first suspect is obvious. As Anheuser-Busch is the contract brewer for the PBR in question, the Anheuser-Busch folks are the idiots that allowed this felony. Perhaps the Anheuser-Busch CEO was jealous of the PBR popularity and hired a crew to pull off this heist. He is way too good looking to be innocent…

Additionally, I was also forwarded a still shot from a security camera at the Anheuser-Busch facility where the heist occurred. According to my facial recognition software, the person of interest in the photo is none other than Pete Hegseth, US Secretary of War. It definitely makes some sense. He is always drunk…his job performance has been pathetic…and his boss is about to fire him. He may need 50,000 cans of PBR.

Please use the COMMENTS section below to share your favorite suspects for this heist.

Wrap It Up

There you go. That’s all the facts on this national crisis. The 50,000 cans of PBR are out there somewhere…scared and alone. Please come forth with any information your may have on this heist. But, remember, I did NOT do it. I was working at the Home Depot at the time of the heist. My official timesheet supports my alibi. Have a wonderful day. PT

I hope you have enjoyed reading “National Crisis” on Traveling with PugsleyTonks

Here is a past PBR post during happier times… https://travelingwithpt.com/on-this-date-in-history/

If you want to reach out to PBR Brewery for sympathy or acquire merchandise… https://www.pabstblueribbon.com/

Please remember my one and only sponsor…

https://usghostadventures.com/ghost-tour/?ref=ytmxmtg